I'm a happy camper!!!

Kinleigh will be 2 months on Monday. How crazy is that. It's so amazing how much she's grown. She has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my life. She already has such a personality too... She's her own little person. It's crazy. She loves to swing. She's not like a lot of babies who just cry for the heck of it. She only cries when she's wet/dirty, hungry, or wants to be put down or picked up. She also holds up her head a lot now. I can't wait to see what's next. I LOVE being a mom. It feels like I found what I was meant to do. It's intense. I love how she can be screaming and no one can get her to stop and then I pick up her and she stops. When she smiles at me, my heart skips a beat. I really had no idea I could feel this good about anything. Sometimes it feels like my whole heart is going to explode from being so proud.

In other news, I'm going to take 3 classes next semester. Anatomy 1, Math 116, and General Microbiology. I'm applying for nursing school in October. After that, I'm going to take online classes to get my BSN and then I'm going to go back to school to become a nurse anethesis... It will take YEARS, but I'm really excited about it. Knowing that in a year or 2 (when I get my first degree) I will be able to support my daughter all by myself is one of the best feelings in the world. I was so scared that I wouldn't want to go back to school, much less do something that will take years to complete, not to mention a degree that is extremely hard w/o a child, but will possibly drive me to insanity when combined w/ being a single parent and working...But I can't wait.

So...I'm going shopping in a little bit to get my new years dress. =) I'm excited!

Sunday will be fun. Miss Kinleigh and I are going to H'ville to see Whit and Shelton. We're gonna eat at BWW and then go play guitar hero!!!! =) I've never played but I've heard it's fun. And Kinleigh misses 2 of her favorite ppl!
Whit's also doing Kinleigh's 2 month photo shoot next Sunday....I can't wait to see them. Each shoot gets better and more fun and since she can hold her head up for several seconds now, we shoudl get some really good ones!!!

Kinleigh Laine!!!

It has been a CRAZY week.... It started last Tuesday when I went to my 38 week check up. I was effaced a good bit but my stupid cervix (which only proved to be more stupid the following day) was still only dilated to 1cm. UGGHHHH...So Mom and I joked about him inducing tomorrow and ummmmm HE AGREED... My exact words were "Oh shit." He told me to be at the hospital that night and he'd start me on a low dose drip of Potocin (spelling). And, a C-Section was also mentioned since I had been dilated for 2 weeks, he thought that I may not dilate at all.... So...Mom,Rach and I go in at 9 that night. I got put on the monitor and the iv and all that junk. My contractions started around 1130ish but thank goodness, I didn't feel them... They started upping the dosage around 5ish, and I was right at a 2 at this point... The doctor was supposed to come in around 8 and break my water but instead, around 830ish, the anestegiologist (however you spell it) came in and informed me it was time for my epidural... I started crying! LoL...Anyways, he was amazing. All I felt was the tiny prick from the numbing shot he gave me. After that, it was heaven. The IV hurt worse than the epidural. I was so proud of myself bc I have (or thought I had) EXTREMELY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE!!! So, after I'm good and numb, which btw, feels so weird, my doctor came in and broke my water and put me on internal monitors. After that came the catheter...THANK GOD I was numb for the all this or I would have been severly uncomfortable. So by now it's 1030ish and my contractions are about every five minutes so I'm thinking that this baby is coming soon.... WRONG. I was only dilated to between a 3 and 4... Since I had made progress, a c-section was no longer an option. He wanted me to deliver her vaginally... Blah. Anyways, when I found out I was only a 3-4, I realized that I still had awhile to go. I had only slept an hour the night before so I tried napping throughout the day, which is IMPOSSIBLE when you constantly have family, friends and nurses coming in. The epidural wore off every 2 hours so but thankfully, Leroy, who I dubbed as my new best friend and told him so countless times, always came in to give me more drugs! Ahh I love that man! Anyways, so the day went out with very little progress... It took me a couple more hours to get to a 5-6... At one point, I woke up from a "nap" and realized that the epidural was wearing off on the right side and I go "Get elroy in here." Since his name was Leroy, this got lots of laughed and resulted in me saying " I don't care what his name is, get him in here." By this time, my contractions were every 2 minutes and I was hardcore feeling them on my right side. So, Leroy came back in there and gave me more drugs...UNFORTIONATELY, It didn't work so for the next 45 minutes, I lay there in extreme pain every 2 minutes. It was HORRIBLE!!!! Finally, he came back in there and gave me another dosage and rolled me over on my right side and within a few mintues, I felt nothing again! It was great. So....more time goes by and I'm finally between a 6 and 7. Around 5ish, I got checked and THANK GOD was to a 9. I was so happy but also TERRIFIED. They came back in a little bit later and I was about 9 1/2 but a small part of my STUPID cervix wouldn't cooperate so we waited a little longer... FINALLY, around 6:30, they came in and I was a 10! I had never heard better words... I then freaked out bc my last dose had been at 430 and it starts to wear off after 2 hours so I insisted that the amazing man w/ drugs come back in...HE DID!!! So I got my last dose and started pushing at 646.... Kinleigh Laine McDuffie was born at 7:16pm on 10-29-08!!!! Child birth is the single, most incredbly amazing experience in the entire world and I think every woman should do it at least once. Mom and Derek were in there with me and they were so great... The last 10 minutes or so, I was ready to give up bc I felt like nothing was happening and they kept encouraging me and all that. Derek, who's a little squeamish (sp) did an amazing job and even watched her come out! He did sooo great! So, after she popped out, they let me hold her and then took her over and cleaned her up. Mom and Derek went w/her and Dr.Billue sewed me up. He said I did great job and that it went a lot faster than he had planned.... =) GO ME!!!
Well, after everything calmed down, my blood pressure dropped and I nearly passed out so I got to have the oxygen mask.... I got to feeling better and everyone was brought in. While I was holding her, I got dizzy again. Thankfully, Mom realized what was goin on and got her from me and put the mask back on. Finally, everyone was leaving and I talked the nurse into letting me get a shower. So, she undid the iv and helped me sit up. Everything was fine at this point. I put my feet on the ground and stood up and that was it. My head felt like it was on fire, I was dizzy and everything seemed far away..>So, back in bed I go, with the mask... She was going to give me more fluids w/ my iv but it had gotten clogged so after she painfully tried to fix it, she just took it out. Lucky me, then got to use the bed pain. You have no idea how weird it was. Blah. Moving on.... She told me that if I did that again (came close to passing out) that she was giving me another iv...Well I couldn't have that bc it HURT like crazy so I stayed in bed awhile. Derek's best friends came and saw Kinleigh and when everyone finally left, I was ok enough to get in the bath. It was the best bath ever!!!! All I could do was sit there and soak but after 24 plus hours of sweating and crying and having a baby, it was great. Derek and I planned on keeping her in the room w/us but by 230ish, after only having maybe 2 hours of sleep in almost 40 hours, I had the nurse bring her to the nursery. I was woken up at 530 to feed her and we were pretty much awake from that point on. Derek and his mom left around noon bc he had tests and work in auburn... I had more visitors that day so that helped pass the time. I had told mom she didn't have to stay that night since all I wanted to do was sleep. They took Kinleigh to the nursery around 130ish and I was asleep seconds later and didn't wake up till 530 when they brought her back in. After feeding her, we went back to sleep till 7ish when my breakfast was brought in and then another nap till 830 when they came to get her for vitals.... The nurse came in and said we could go home around 11...I was SO excited. Anyways, the weekend passed w/o too much excitment. Late Friday night/early Saturday morning, Kinleigh woke up and I fell asleep w/her on my chest. When I woke up a little bit later, I had a HUGE crick in my neck.On top of that, my milk had come in so my boobs hurt worse than I knew possible.. Then, Kinleigh decided she didn't want to sleep and screamed everytime I put her down... So around 8, I broke down and cried like a baby and had to give her to mom (who by the way, has been so extremely amazing and helpful this past week). I also had a migrane by this time. I slept till 12 and when I woke up, my migrane was still going, full swing. But, we had a bbayshower to go to so I had to get up. I fed Kinleigh and started getting ready. My headache started going away but didn't completely go away till that night. The rest of the weekend flew by. Derek and his parents came by Sunday and spent several hours w/Kinleigh.
So, Monday rolls around and we go to the doctor. We knew she was really yellow but had been hoping it wouldn't be too bad. The doctor said since she was so yellow, she needed bloodwork so we go over to the hospital and get it done. I of course cry when they stick her (i had no idea how hard it was to watch your child go through that) BUT..Kinleigh Laine is a trooper and slept through EVERYTHING!!! We go home and around 6, find out that her number is too high so we have to take her in. We get here around 730ish and around 11ish (I think) they came in and put her under the lights. SHE LOVES IT!!! We were wanting to go home this morning but no such luck. Her number is the same. The doctor said it was good that it hadn't gone up and as long as it's the same, or lower, in the morning, we can go home... So now here I am, hanging out in our hospital room. Blah. I am so tired of this place. And what sucks is, I know that I SHOULD go vote and that if I left for a little bit, Kinleigh would have no clue that I was gone, but I can't make myself leave her. She's perfectly fine in her box but she looks so small and helpless that I can't do it. We'll see what happens.

Being a mom is the best thing ever. I LOVE IT. Yes, I'm sleep deprived and seriously bad stressed but I still love it. I'm so so so lucky that I have mom and Rach to help me like they have been. I don't know where I'd be w/o them. Everyone has been great. Both of our familes have been super supportive and everyone that has met her is absolutly in love with her.
She is so incredibly gorgeous. It overwhelms me sometimes. I've caught myself more than once just sitting here looking at her with this unbelievable amount of pride that I helped make her. It's so amazing. She has my nose and my crooked smile. =) She started lifting her head yesterday and she's so so alert. It's so cool to watch her and see what all she does.
She is everything good in my life all wrapped up in a beautiful 7 lb (was 7'11 but she's lost weight), 20.5 inch baby girl. I've been holding grudges against a few ppl for the past few months but as soon as she got here, all of it went away instantly. Nothing matters anymore except her and making sure that everything I do/say/think, is in her best interest. I never ever imagined that it was possible to love someone this much. Everything in me is totally and completely consumed with love for my daughter!!! I love it!!!

And another great day...

Of course..I've only been up for 8 hours so it's not like I've had time to have a bad day... I didn't go to sleep till 8:30 this morning.. How crazy is that? But, I got up and got ready and then went to a movie with Kati. We watched Quarantine and it was THE worst movie ever. Halfway through, we were saying "PLEASE DIE SO THIS MOVIE CAN END." Seriously, horrible. Now I've been home just hanging out and eating pumpkin pie!! Sami (my sister's dog) just walked to the window and started barking...It was pretty freaky. Mom will be home in less than 24 hours. I am SO excited! I've missed her like crazy and I can't wait to show her Kinleigh's new clothes! Oh and perfect timing- Our dryer is going out.... It takes like 4 cycles to get 1 load dry....It sucks.
So I've been really proud of myself for actually understanding all the stuff in my accounting class...Well, now, we're doing "Inventories" and I have been trying for 3 days to figure out and I can NOT figure it out.... It's driving me crazy! Well I don't really have anything to say..I was just bored....

It's been a good day..

Today has been good... I didn't go to sleep till about 6:30 so of course I didn't get up till 5ish... After that, I got ready and had dinner w/ my besty, Kati. Then we came back and hung out then watched Grey's. I really don't remember the last time I have laughed so hard or so long. We had so much fun... I found out mom is coming home Saturday night instead of Sunday morning which makes me VERY happy! I miss her! I talked to her today and she said the storm was over so at least their last day down there will be pretty!
Today, Derek got me hooked on the Red Sox. I started watching the game tonight and it was INTENSE!!! I'm excited about Game 6 on Saturday!
I really really think that Kinleigh will be here this time next week... My contractions are still far apart, every other hour usually, but the pressure down there is getting CRAZY!!!! I'm so excited!
Kati and I are going to a movie tomorrow night. Quarantine! It looks very scary which I love... Maybe if I get scared enough, it'll speed up this process! =)
If she's not here by Tuesday, hopefully when I go to the doctor that morning, he'll be like "alrighty lets go to the hospital." I'll be bummed if he says it's gonna be another week..I mean I know he told me possibly 2 more weeks when I went this past Tuesday, but my hopes are up that it's closer to 1 week...

I have SO much homework that I need to get done PRONTO so that when she gets here, I don't have to freak out while I'm in the hospital... So I'm gonna go get on that! Have a great weekend!

It's started...

So.... I went to the doctor today. As bad as I wanted to be dialated, I had myself convinced that I wasn't, that I still had awhile to go... I was wrong! I'm dialated to 1cm... He said my cervix is still thick, so if I'm effaced, it's just barely... But, her head is down so that's good. The doctor said he'd like for me to go 3 more weeks but that he thinks between 1 and 2 weeks... It's scary. I'm excited though. My mom will be home Sunday afternoon so anytime after that, I'm good.

On other news... please tell me how it makes sense to push your pregnant ex away, but rekindle a friendship w/ your other ex who over the past year, you have said you hated.... And when I ask a certain person about this, the response was... "I'm trying to get all the bad out of my life, and let go of the past." Can anyone explain that to me? I'm all about moving on and blah blah freakin' blah, but after you have repeatedly put her down and tell me how bad you can't stand her for a year, AND when we both know that she's been waiting on this like a freakin Ethiopean child waits for a juicy steak, that just goes over the line...Again. Oh well... Maybe he'll wake up once she gets here...We'll see.

I'll keep yall updated on the baby progress!

Where to start...

Everything was fine...I mean, for the most part anyways. Yes things had been weird for the past few weeks but we're about to have a baby... I told myself we were both just super stressed and nervous, that was why everything was weird. I was wrong. Bad wrong. He said he didn't know why he had been acting weird and different but that he just didn't think it was going to work... I don't understand. We had plans. Not just "what are we doing next weekend" plans, but big plans. Marriage plans... Guess it was all a joke. The best part about this whole freaking situation is this... Normally, when you get your heartbroken, you can take as long as you want to feel better...Months and months if you want to. Do I get to do that? No. I get, at the most a few weeks to suck it up and feel better because once Kinleigh gets here, she's my number 1 responsibility and it's not fair to her to have a mother who's moping around being sad all the time. My eyes are crazy puffy from crying myself to sleep the past 2 nights. I'll be just fine then I think of something and the waterworks start again. Normally, I would go on about a week long drinking binge w/ my besties and then feel better...Not this time though. I actually have to work through the pain soberly and it sucks. I can't even have a glass of champagne to wind down. What really really pisses me off is before him, I didn't compromise. It was my way or the highway. Then I met him and we got pregnant and I started making all these plans that were totally against what I had always planned for myself and then I get screwed over. I totally did NOT want to live in Birmingham. It's just not my favorite place. But, that's where he wanted to live so I was going to do it. Another thing, his family was HORRIBLE to me the first 8 months of my pregnancy but because they were his family, and Kinleigh's family too, I kept being the bigger person thinking that one day, I'd be married to him so they'd be my family too.... That got me no where except for heartbroken and alone... And I WAS DONE. I had found the love of my life. We were going to be married and raise Kinleigh and have more kids and be happy... Now, I'm back to where I started. I really don't understand it at all. We were happy. We were in love. Now we're not together. How does that happen? Why does it happen? It's not fair. I'm a firm believe in everything happens for a reason but I am not happy about this at all...